I’ve learned from Karen, and started to make notes of things I want to include when I finally sit down to write here. When Steve wrote the first post, from her perspective, he used the notes she had made since her last actual post. She also used song quotes a lot, so the title today is from a song. It has taken me a while to learn these things – we’ll see if they stick. We went to the Bullroast and Oyster Feast fundraiser for Camp Sunrise again. We filled our table with some neighbors and a few of Steve’s coworkers. A few days beforehand, Matt sent a text message asking if Steve or I could speak at the event. I laughed and cried at the same time as I thought about the absurdity of the notion of me trying to speak at any event, but especially that one. Steve came through though, and had some of his coworkers in tears as he spoke. It’s always nice to see old friends there, but it always makes me cry to think about how Karen should be there, and how much of her life she didn’t get to live. Thanksgiving was a smaller gathering than we had expected, but still very much fun. I always enjoy hosting. When we go to Maine or Pennsylvania, there are multiple houses where people can stay, and we are split up. Here, there is only our house, and everybody is together. It actually works better than you might think! This year, there were multiple trips to DC for sightseeing, and some Black Friday shopping, and lots of eating and games. Matt and Steve got to see the Burning Man exhibit at the Renwick Gallery, and Matt found some cards left for Karen. I don’t know if he could be sure they were for our Karen, but it doesn’t really matter. My sister and I made an unplanned trip to Maine a few weeks ago. Mom had fallen and was in the hospital, and the family there didn’t know if it was close to the end or not. The day before she fell, Mom had been out in the kitchen without any urging, being social and having a very good day. She was confused etc, after the fall, and it was hard to tell what was going on. When we heard that she was talking to Dean (my brother-in-law who passed away last year) we decided that we should make the trip. We spent a lot of time with Mom at the hospital, where it was decided that she should be moved to their hospice room, since she really was physically failing. During the days and evenings, she had lots of company, friends and family, and one night my nephew stayed overnight in the recliner in her room. We left to come home on Tuesday afternoon. On Wednesday, my sister in Maine sent a message that Mom’s morphine dose had been increased. I had a little conversation with Karen, to look for Grandma soon, and give her a big hug. We got word that Mom had passed away late that afternoon, surrounded by family. I’m sure Karen was there with the others to welcome her! I had an alarm set on my phone to remind me to call Mom, every day at 4:30. It still goes off every day, and I will keep it for a while, even if some of my immediate family members think I’m crazy. Last year at Christmas, we made a card with pictures, and it had our name printed on it, so I didn’t have to sign them. This year, I couldn’t face choosing pictures that didn’t have Karen in them, so we sent regular cards, all requiring a signature. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I almost signed Karen’s name on those cards!! I thought it would get better as I worked my way through the 70+ cards, but it didn’t. It made me wonder if that will happen every year. That would certainly be more motivation to choose a picture and get the pre-printed signature each year. Some people see signs of their loved ones all around them, all the time. I would love to be one of those people! I need to be hit over the head with the sign to recognize it, I guess. One day recently, I happened to look at the calendar on Karen’s phone. I have no reason to look at it, but that day I did. It turned out that it was the birthday of one of her best friends! I think it was Karen’s hand, guiding me to see that, so I could say Happy Birthday to her friend. This might seem like a small thing, but there are times, especially during this season of family time, when I need all the help I can get. Another one of Karen’s friends is getting married next June, and she sent me a picture of the mini taco appetizers they will be serving at the wedding, as a way of including Karen at the event. It’s so sweet that her friends are keeping her alive in their hearts, and telling me about it. I appreciate it more than they could ever realize (unless they read this… then they’ll know!) Another friend told me that his family had tacos on Christmas, and he was thinking of Karen. When I questioned tacos for Christmas, he pointed out that it was really just Taco Tuesday, with the added bonus of red and green trimmings for Christmas. I laugh and cry at the same time a LOT. The October issue of National Geographic (I’m a little behind) has an article about hope. I think the world needs more hope. One of the charities it mentioned was Be the Match, which is a bone marrow donor registry organization. Karen never needed to use a donor from the registry, but lots of people do, and they don’t always find a match. (Get more information at bethematch.org or www.giftoflife.org to sign up or donate money.) The article talked about how doing good in the world and noticing the good others do gives hope for the future. Do something good.
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AuthorI’m Karen. I was originally diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) in August 2004 when I was 10 years old. When I was working on my college and scholarship application essays two years ago, I wrote about my journey. Although it was a rough few years, it became such an influential part of my life that I can’t, and wouldn’t want to, imagine my life without having had cancer. I called it the worst best thing that ever happened to me. Archives
April 2022
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