It’s been a while since I wrote anything here, and I’ve been getting signs from Karen that it’s time. There was an email from a friend with a picture of the sign at their local Mexican restaurant. There was a butterfly on my walk the other day, and it’s getting kind of late for butterflies here. There was a message from one of Karen’s oldest friends (all the way back to first grade!) that she got engaged. And there was a word game where the daily puzzle answer was “taco.” So here I am. (a note: I didn’t post this the day I originally wrote it – I wasn’t happy with it, or something. This morning, there was another sign from Karen to get moving… A food truck drove by that said “TACO TRUCK” on it. It was a happy day in Karen’s life when the food trucks at Drexel took payment methods other than cash!) This weekend there is a 5k race at UMD that’s a fundraiser for the Hebda Foundation. They asked Karen to speak at their gala one year. It was during a remission, and she was at school in Philadelphia most of the time. She didn’t want to come home an extra weekend to speak, so they made a video instead. On the day of the filming, we came home from somewhere to a house full of video and sound equipment. It was QUITE a production. Now I’m so happy to have this video, so I can see her and hear her anytime I want to. http://hebdafoundation.org/why-we-exist I used to tease Karen sometimes, and tell her that we were going to have a potluck dinner at a firehall for her wedding reception. My mother went to a potluck wedding reception, and she said it was wonderful. Once when we were getting the oil changed in the car, this random person in the waiting room started telling us about the local fire station’s social hall, recently rebuilt after a fire (yes, a fire at the fire station) and how nice it was. He went on at some length, saying it was so nice, you didn’t even realize it was the firehall. Of course, I told Karen we had found her wedding venue. She was very good about it (at least to my face) probably because she wasn’t anywhere near getting married, and probably because she knew I was joking. The recently engaged friend told me that she wants to honor Karen somehow at her wedding. I had lots of (mostly bad) ideas, which I didn’t share, but I’ll list them here. Tie dye bridesmaid dresses, or tablecloths/napkins, or bride’s veil. Castle cake incorporated into the wedding cake, or let the guests decorate their own cupcakes. Tacos for dinner. Or the more traditional, pictures of those who are gone too soon, which is what the recently married family members have done. September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month. Last year, when I could see Karen’s Facebook page, I could see all of the posts about it. This year, I was relieved not to see it – I’m well aware of childhood cancer, and I already have too many reminders. Camp Sunrise lost another camper this week. I don’t know anything about this child, but I know that there is another family who lost their little girl too soon. I wish I could do something for them, but there isn’t much that helps. I have a book that somebody gave us, that I have given to others. A friend sent us some booklets about coping with grief, which arrived at various times after Karen passed away. I appreciated them so much that I’ve purchased some myself and sent them to family, friends, and people I’ve never met. These things help, but only so much. I still miss Karen, I still talk to her most days, and I still cry (frequently!) I started a word game with a random person named Karen S, and eventually I told her why. Strangely, she also lost her daughter, but many years ago. It’s so depressing, how many of us there are.
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One year ago this weekend, we had a house full of family, and more family and friends in hotels, here to celebrate Karen’s life. We had a beautiful service on a dreary Saturday, which she didn’t want, and a well-attended, very fun party outside on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon, which she very much wanted. It didn’t occur to me that all of that was a year ago this weekend until this morning, so I didn’t spend all day yesterday crying. It remains to be seen how I spend today. Other people tell me when Karen visits them in their dreams, especially if they hear her voice. I’m always jealous, because if she’s in my dreams, I don’t remember it. Well, last night she was! I was so excited that I woke up and made sure I would remember. I almost got up then (at 1AM) to come out here to type this, to make sure I didn’t forget! Maybe I should have, because 5 hours later, the details are a little fuzzy. I do remember being very happy, because in my dream, I didn’t have to mourn, because for some reason, Karen could come back (and be alive) every so often. Oh, if only that were true!!! But I got to see her and talk to her, and I wasn’t sad. Karen’s cousin’s wedding was fun – Karen would have loved it, except for the heat. The bride was beautiful, the groom was handsome, the setting was gorgeous. We did a mini bone marrow registration drive, and 14 people signed up to be donors! Everybody stayed in the same hotel, and we spent lots of time with family, which I always love. A word of advice… when you are taking a party of 15 to a restaurant, make a reservation first. But then you don’t have as much to laugh about later. Our visit with our old neighbors was great, as usual. Their group gets smaller each year, as their kids go off to college and don’t come home for the summer. We went to DC and saw the Burning Man exhibit at the Renwick Gallery. A friend of Matt’s had gone to see it, and told him about the Temple, where you can leave memorials to people. The friend was planning to leave one for Karen, and saw one that somebody else had already left for her. The room was HUGE, and there were memorial “cards” everywhere – it’s amazing that Matt’s friend saw another one for Karen. I remembered Karen, David, and Dean while I was there – all three of them were adventurers who would have enjoyed the Burning Man experience we learned about. Before Matt went back to school, we went to our favorite Japanese restaurant, where they cook the food on the hibachi grill in front of you. Karen had joined their “birthday club” where they send you a postcard around your birthday, and you can get a free meal. The last time we went there was for her birthday last year. When the postcard came, I cried (who’s surprised?) but I also decided that we were going to go back, and pay for somebody’s meal as a way to celebrate Karen. When Karen and Matt were little we went for a hike one day, and went out to eat afterwards. When it was time to pay, our waitress said that somebody else had paid our bill. We were very surprised, and we chose somebody else and paid their bill. So we sat at the Japanese restaurant and looked around, trying to pick somebody. I’m sure the other people at the table with us thought I was crazy, because every so often through the meal, I would wipe my eyes and probably look very sad. Who does that while they’re out at a restaurant?? The mom who was there with her two kids was very surprised when she didn’t get a bill for their meal. We told her we had paid their bill, but didn’t explain why. Maybe next time I’ll be more able to deal with that part.
Spread some joy around. |
AuthorI’m Karen. I was originally diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) in August 2004 when I was 10 years old. When I was working on my college and scholarship application essays two years ago, I wrote about my journey. Although it was a rough few years, it became such an influential part of my life that I can’t, and wouldn’t want to, imagine my life without having had cancer. I called it the worst best thing that ever happened to me. Archives
April 2022
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