Once again, it’s been a long time. I think I mentioned that I tend to procrastinate, and I especially do that with things that I know will make me cry. Writing a blog post ALWAYS makes me cry. I have had lots of signs from Karen that it was time to write this one. Friends and family have sent me text messages about how they were thinking of her, or pictures of things that reminded them of her. I’ve seen butterflies, and cardinals made a nest in the azalea bush outside Susie’s window. (I tried to take a picture, but all I got was the window screen with a pink glow behind it.) I even had a dream with Karen in it! It was so nice to see her, and hear her voice! I could do that anytime by watching a video, I know, and see her say things that make much more sense than my dream did, but just the thought of that brings on the tears, so that will have to wait. Today was the first Mother’s Day without my mom. I got lots of Mother’s Day messages from friends and family, which was wonderful. It’s hard though, when you can’t call your mom! My niece had a dream recently where she saw Mom sitting in her chair in the living room, talking about how she hadn’t met Jesus yet. She said Mom looked happy and relaxed, which she didn’t near the end. As much as my faith has been tested these last few years, it makes me smile to think that Mom is enjoying heaven. I have seen a few of Karen’s friends recently, which is always a wonderful thing. One of them stopped here on her way back to her apartment in Virginia, and she told me later that she cried for an hour after she left. I know how that goes! We spent time with a friend in Florida, and then again here, when she had a business trip to our area. She brought along another friend, and we visited (and got some steps in) during Susie’s soccer practice. I love to see them, and I’m so honored that they take the time to see us, even though it hurts. The pain is better than it used to be, but I imagine it will always be there – watching Karen’s friends experience “adulthood” always reminds me of all that she missed. Some of my friends have sent me messages that have made me cry, but I love getting them! One friend has wanted to do a long distance hike on the Appalachian Trail, and this year she is doing it. She sent me a message from the trail, telling me about how Karen inspired her to make the most of the time she has. I have been watching her progress along the trail since March (not stalking, exactly) and I’m so proud to know her! Another friend was walking with a group, and saw some butterflies. She commented on how they reminded her of somebody, and it turned out that the person she was talking to knew Karen from Relay for Life, which Karen had done in high school. I’m always amazed at how many people Karen touched that I knew nothing about. I love hearing about things like that, even though it always makes me cry.
I play various word games on devices, most of which I used to play with Karen. Some are solo games where you just solve the puzzle, and others are competitive, against other people. One day one of the solo games had “taco” and “falafel” as words, which had me thinking of Karen and her Uncle Dean. I only cried a little! Another day, my Words with Friends game suggested an opponent called “HelloMomItsMe.” Of course, I had to start a game! I know it’s not Karen, but it sure seemed like she was saying hi that day. Another niece told me a story about one night when she was feeling down. She was talking to Karen while she held her sleeping toddler’s hand. When she told Karen how much she loved her and missed her, the little girl squeezed her hand. My niece felt that the squeeze was directly from Karen, and I know Karen would have tried to cheer her up if she could. I have “met” another mom, who had written to Karen through the contact section here, and wrote again to check in when there weren’t any posts here for a while. I wrote back, and we’ve kept in touch. She lost her son to leukemia, and we have shared some stories. She sent me a link to something she had written, and also to her blog. I certainly exceeded my crying quota that day! If you want to cry, go directly here: https://humanparts.medium.com/three-magic-phrases-to-say-to-a-dying-person-2091872bd487?sk=1ca9a1c5590637e175be06f9cad7ce76 If you want to read some very good writing about another family’s experiences, go here: https://teamewan.com/ Karen always took pictures of nature. These are some pictures I know she would have taken.
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AuthorI’m Karen. I was originally diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) in August 2004 when I was 10 years old. When I was working on my college and scholarship application essays two years ago, I wrote about my journey. Although it was a rough few years, it became such an influential part of my life that I can’t, and wouldn’t want to, imagine my life without having had cancer. I called it the worst best thing that ever happened to me. Archives
April 2022
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