Hey everyone! It’s day 1 of the A-Z challenge! Not all of my challenge posts will be cancer-related like the rest of my blog, but they will all be about things that have had a big impact on my life or things I think are important to talk about. Thanks ahead of time for reading!
My head is an odd mix of positivity and anxiety. It’s tough to go through cancer treatment and not worry, and that worry doesn’t magically disappear after treatment is over. Everyone is always so happy to hear that I’m in remission and out of treatment, and I’m beyond thrilled about that too, but what most people don’t understand is that being cancer-free doesn’t mean I can just forget about it and move on. Every time I have a cold, I see a bruise, I feel tired or nauseous, or I get dizzy, I get anxious. I think almost everyone in my situation does, for a long time after treatment. I had finally stopped worrying when I went to college, because I was 8 years in remission and more than 5 years off treatment. Waiting for test results is incredibly stressful. I try not to get my hopes up too high, because then bad results would be even more devastating. Last year, when I assumed my 6 month results would be good because everything had been going so well, I found out I relapsed, so now it’s hard to be confident even if I feel great. My definition of planning ahead has changed over the past few years – looking two months ahead seems far now because it was almost pointless to plan that far ahead during treatment. Being back at school forced me to look at the big picture again, which is definitely good, but the anxiety is still there. Cancer is the cause for most of my anxiety, but other things make me anxious too: speeches, group projects, phone calls, large groups of strangers, confrontation, traffic and more. I’ve surprised even myself with the crazy things my brain has tried to tell me could happen. I know many of my friends have struggled with everyday anxieties of their own, and from my experience, it’s not something to be ashamed of. Instead, it’s something you need to understand about yourself so you can try to keep it from consuming your life. You’re not alone, no matter how much it can feel like you are. I’m positive when it comes to things I can control, like my attitude or my homework. I can make the best of things and find a positive in almost any situation. I know things will work out how they’re meant to, but that doesn’t keep my mind from worrying. When I can feel my thoughts getting out of control, I focus on the present and the things I have control over. I saw a quote recently that I really enjoyed: Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles – it takes away today’s peace.
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AuthorI’m Karen. I was originally diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) in August 2004 when I was 10 years old. When I was working on my college and scholarship application essays two years ago, I wrote about my journey. Although it was a rough few years, it became such an influential part of my life that I can’t, and wouldn’t want to, imagine my life without having had cancer. I called it the worst best thing that ever happened to me. Archives
April 2022
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