When it’s time to write one of these, I find myself composing them in my head when I’m away from the computer, and then of course, I can’t remember what I was thinking when I come in and sit here. I’ve had a lot of time for that recently, with some mindless tasks on my to-do list like weeding and pool brushing. Too bad you’ll never read those really amazing posts ha! We went back to SunSibs this year for another session of Castle Cakes. This year’s theme was Food Fest, so the cake project fit in perfectly! It was wonderful to see the kids get excited when they walked by our area on the way to something else. As always, they were very creative – there was a dragon, a jousting contest, a turtle, and a lot more. We’re looking forward to going to Camp Sunrise! I don’t know (and don’t want to go back and check) if Karen mentioned her cross-country trip here. She and a friend had planned an amazing trip for the summer that she died. They were going to drive across the country and see lots of national parks and visit lots of friends. Karen made all kinds of camping reservations, and it broke her heart (and mine) when she got the news of her relapse and had to cancel them. Of course, looking back, I would now tell her to just go anyway, but at the time, it didn’t seem like an option. Well, this summer, her friend is on that trip, currently in California. It’s not exactly the same route that they had planned, but she’s still going to all of the parks, and I’m sure she’s listening to the road trip playlist they made together. Friends and family are joining her along the way, and she has a small container with a part of Karen along for the ride too. I’m so happy that she’s doing the trip, but so sad that Karen didn’t get to go. As I sit here typing this, both Steve and Susie have walked by, seen me crying, and not said a word about it. I chuckle (through the tears) at what that means, that I cry a lot, I guess. But they know why, and they also know it doesn’t last long. From reading these posts, I’m sure it sounds like I’m a total mess all the time, but that’s not really how it is. Life goes on, time flies whether you’re having fun or not, and I experience all of the normal emotions. For years now, even before Karen’s initial diagnosis, I’ve been quick to cry, and quick to recover from it (just ask the staff on the 11th floor at the hospital – they all learned to ignore it and just keep talking.) Now I definitely have more triggers than before (How are things? can be a big one, depending on who’s asking) but I still generally recover quickly. I tell myself this is normal, so I hope it is! My family had a very nice memorial party in Pennsylvania for my mom recently, for the family and friends who might not have been able to go to Maine in January. It was wonderful to see so many people who cared so much about her! We looked through old pictures, and watched the old videos again, and enjoyed each other’s company. If I try, I can imagine Mom making the rounds of the tables, chatting with her old friends and her family. I know she would have loved the party. We recently went to a neighbor’s house for dinner and a conversation about religion. That’s a strange topic for me, if you know me at all, and I didn’t participate much. One of the things they asked was if we prayed at all. I don’t know about the others in my house, but I don’t pray on a regular basis. The neighbors pray a lot, and get answers to their prayers. After Karen’s first transplant failed, I did pray fairly regularly, always for her to have good test results, and eventually for her to have a long-term remission. After the final relapse, as the chances of that long-term remission got smaller and smaller, I changed my prayer. I asked that if she wasn’t going to get better, then to please stop torturing her. That was the prayer that was answered. Looking back, I know it was the right thing, because really, how much more could she take? One of the other topics in the discussion with the neighbors was about how things happen here so you can learn something from them and grow. We all wonder why Karen had to be taken away for us to grow. It is a huge test of faith to lose a child, or a sibling when you’re young.
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AuthorI’m Karen. I was originally diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) in August 2004 when I was 10 years old. When I was working on my college and scholarship application essays two years ago, I wrote about my journey. Although it was a rough few years, it became such an influential part of my life that I can’t, and wouldn’t want to, imagine my life without having had cancer. I called it the worst best thing that ever happened to me. Archives
April 2022
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