Our kids have always liked to play in water. On every hike with a stream, they were in it somehow. The pool, as much as I would let them. Steve grew up canoeing and rafting, and has passed that along to them as well. We've had a canoe for years, and took the kids out when they were little, when it was easy to fit everybody in. As they grew, it got more difficult, but eventually they were big enough that I didn't have to go anymore. As much as they all like to be in the water, I'm content to be watching from the side. Recently, Steve got a kayak, and now the three of them take the canoe and the kayak out on the water, and I drive from the start to the finish to pick them up. If there’s a trail along the water, I walk a bit while I’m waiting. The last trip they took was on Antietam Creek, and it brought me straight back to the last time we had been there. At that time, we only had the canoe, and all three kids wanted to go. It’s a popular place for tubing, so we decided to try splitting the kids up between the canoe and the tube, connected by a rope. I don’t remember all of the details (since I was only at the ends of the trip) but I know it didn’t go as planned. (When I went looking for pictures from that other time on my phone, I somehow scrolled directly to the right place – thank you Karen!) It’s hard for me to go back to someplace where Karen was with us before. The things I’ve read about grieving tell me that eventually I will go to those places and remember the good times, instead of just focusing on how much I wish Karen was still here. I believe that will happen for most places, but I think that places I strongly associate with Karen will always be hard. We go to a Camp fundraiser event every year around this time. The first year we went, Karen was the speaker. I cried and cried through her speech! The next year, she wasn’t with us, and I cried and cried! Last year, Steve was the speaker, and I cried and cried. This year, I still cried, but not as much. I have a friend I met through Karen, who was at the event this year. She lost her son many years ago, and we talked about how hard some things still are, and how suddenly it hits you sometimes, how different people grieve differently, and how people who haven’t experienced this just don’t understand. I haven’t been back inside the hospital, but I’m sure when I eventually have to go there, I will be bawling my eyes out. Philadelphia will be a struggle, especially the area around CHOP and Drexel. Great Sand Dunes National Park, and the other places we went on our trip to Colorado. The trail to the waterfall on Kauai. Fortunately, I have no plans to go to any of those places any time soon We’ve been to two more weddings this fall. Both were beautiful events, very much enjoyed, but as always, difficult at times. One of them was a fellow oncology patient, and there were people there from the hospital, and also another friend of Karen’s that I haven’t seen in a while. It’s always nice to see people from the hospital. Most people don’t realize how much the nurses and doctors and even the aides who take the vital signs start to feel like family, when you see them multiple times a week, for months on end. Then suddenly you don’t see them anymore, either because treatment ends (a good thing!) or that other reason, and you find you miss some of them. I always enjoy the chance to say hello, even if it makes me cry a little. “Hospital time” is the term we used for how long everything took there, always seemingly twice as long as it should have. Karen and I had lots of things to fill the time. Games on phones and tablets are a wonderful way to divert your thoughts from where you are and why, and Karen found a lot of good ones. I recently started playing one of the ones she liked again, so every morning I feel a little closer to her while I’m connecting the dots. We also used to bring in candy to share, and Karen always saved the wrappers that she liked. Even now I will occasionally send some in to the clinic, and they will send me pictures of the good wrappers. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s still just as true – a parent’s biggest fear when their child dies is that she will be forgotten. Sending that candy makes them remember. Weebly has a feature that allows you to see how many people have visited your website, which is very interesting. Karen had also set up Google Analytics, which does the same thing, and a lot more. It tells you where people are, and what pages of your website they look at, and a lot of other things that I don’t bother with. I love to see how many people are reading this, and where they are. The numbers aren’t huge, which is fine – how many people could possibly be interested in how I’m coping with my situation? But it’s interesting to see that there are spikes around Karen’s birthday, and when she died, and when her friends share that I’ve posted something. I don’t do social media (I’ll say again, how many people could possibly be interested in my life?) so this is as close as I’ll get to having online “friends” or “followers.” Don’t forget to give blood. Steve regularly donates platelets, and I’ve gotten back to going, too. My father is 92, and been donating every 8 weeks forever. He was recently contacted about doing a directed donation, because he had something in his blood that somebody needed. Make an appointment!
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AuthorI’m Karen. I was originally diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) in August 2004 when I was 10 years old. When I was working on my college and scholarship application essays two years ago, I wrote about my journey. Although it was a rough few years, it became such an influential part of my life that I can’t, and wouldn’t want to, imagine my life without having had cancer. I called it the worst best thing that ever happened to me. Archives
April 2022
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